my newly revised "resume" posted 2day on "craigsslist":

my new nickname for my life is 'parade of failures.'
i mean, who doesn't love a parade!!!!!!!!
basically, my two greatest strengths, skills, abilities, areas of 'expertise' are:
guilt + fear.

i will process your guilt. for a career. i will assume your guilt.
cheated on your girlfriend? i will feel bad about that for you.
you're very busy, and important. i'm not. cheated on your wife, killed her?
somehow, it was my fault. like the thing with the butterfly, where it flaps its wings and then,
you kill your wife. i mean. i could've talked the butterfly out of it.
i should've called you. i should've known. i should've worn different shoes,
and done different soda. i could've done "intercession."
i will convince both of us that it was my fault. it was.

hypothetically, if you cannot or do not want
to be convinced of my Sole Responsibility,
i am still 'available.' i can Sympathize. Empathize.
i will process your Guilt for you. i will "put myself in your shoes."
don't worry, i will provide my own pairs of your shoes.
i will keep exhaustive journals. i will write brief and readable Summaries.
i will get drunk and punch things, and cut my hand on the things that i punch, remorsefully.
i will fax you all of my epiphanies. i will fed ex you "hard copies"
within 24 hours. i mean if you want. you can digest them.
you can offer them as your own, unto 'injured parties.' unto nothing. unto God.
i will do audio and video recordings. of your guilt. our guilt. My Guilt.
that progression there was important.
i will wear clothing similar to yours during the Video Recordings. i will sound just like you.
i swear that my many Personal Guilts will never Interfere with my Professional Guilts.
i will feel guilty about that, but never while 'on the job.' and i will feel guilty
about never feeling guilty about that while 'on the job,' but never while 'on the job.'
the metaphorical scenes of your metaphorical crimes will be metaphorically marinated
in my metaphorical blood. we can negotiate 'literal.'

i have "BA." i did well on the lsat that i took the other day, probably.
i will never forgive myself, for a fee. references available upon request!!!